Moving Forward.

Well, it looks like i'll be starting this blog out with a rumbling tummy. I ate dinner about two hours ago at a mexican restaurant right down the road from my mother's house and amazingly, i've somehow managed to go back in time. One thing's for sure: I can't wait to go home and exfoliate my face. I suddenly feel the typical monthly "period" break-out that I used to get coming on. How exciting, one more annoying thing to deal with right now. On the upside, only six more days before I get to see the baby for the first time! I am just ecstatic about the whole thing. I'll have to scan the picture(s) and post them as soon as I can.

I seem to be talking more and more about the pregnancy to my mom much more comfortably then before. I think this whole thing will actually be what brings us closer together. She seems to always guess what the grandchildren are going to be and it's always right. She guessed both of my sister's kids that came out as girls, and she guessed my brother's which came out as a girl aswell. And she said she has a gut feeling that mine is going to be a boy. Which is actually.. very funny because i've always said I wanted a boy. It's really going to be interesting to find out considering girls seem to run my entire family.

So, i've decided to cut my hair again. I've been growing it back out for months now, trying to get it back to what it was. But i've finally come to the conclusion that I just simply look a million times better with an angled dark brown bob that I can mess up and make it look good easily. Short hair just seems to fit me alot better than long hair. Plus it is much more manageable and easy to maintain, which could be good in this time in my life where I have hardly any energy or desire to put alot of work into getting ready. Therefor, I think i'm going to go ahead and color it back dark again and go get it snipped off pretty soon. I'm actually pretty excited about it because I feel like it might help me regain more confidence after feeling so miserable here lately.

I go back to work tomorrow after having a few days off. I can't figure out if i'm looking forward to it or not haha! The people I work with seem to be making the days go by alot smoother since they found out I was pregnant and i've found myself talking more to some coworkers than ever before. The only thing I do wish is that customers had more common sense than to put heavy items on the belt. My supervisor Stacey said that I really need to watch whenever people do it and tell them to please keep it in the cart so I can come around. Up until now, i've always lifted stuff perfectly fine. Big cases of water bottles, dog food, and sometimes massive boxes in carts that people perfectly capable of helping me out just stand there and watch as I struggle to flip it upside down to get to the barcode. After finding out that it's crucial especially in the first trimester not to do things like that, I guess i'm going to have to change those habits. I told Stacey my only thing is when I tell them to leave it in the cart or ask them to help me, I don't want them to look at me like i'm some weak person that can't hardly lift anything because i'm not. So she told me just to simply throw in the fact that i'm pregnant and they should be more understanding. Sometimes I wish I was showing more than I already am so I wouldn't HAVE to explain..

I keep wanting to post a baby calendar of how far along I am and when i'm due but I want to wait until the actual doctor examines me and determines an accurate estimation versus what other people have been guessing due to when I think my last period was. They've been guessing i'm probably about 10 weeks now and my due date is June 13th but i'd like to be pretty sure before I tell everybody one thing and find out it's another later on.

Ohh, I need fooood.. I'm getting off here and heading home. Rojo probably misses me after being gone the last couple days.

3 Days of Freedom!

I figured I would type up a quick post before heading to bed. Lately i've been cherishing my sleep and crashing earlier than normal, but the last few days work and other distracting things have kept me up pretty late.

Chris arrived in California this morning. I suspect his mother still doesn't know about the pregnancy, unless of course his brother told her or he finally owned up to it and told her himself. I don't think i'm quite prepared to explain to Chris my still contemplative decision to stay in North Carolina. I might want to wait just a little longer for him to get settled in and see how our relationship towards eachother is then. It would be such a different situation if we were just head-over-heels in love with eachother. But unfortunately, that's not the case so it makes everything a little more complicated.

I get to see the baby for the first time in eight days. I am just ecstatic about it. I have the bloodwork appointment the day before, which freaks me out a little bit since i'm terrified of getting my blood taken but i'll have to just suck it up for the sake of getting to see my little one the next day. My brother still doesn't know, as far as I know. Unless of course my mother has said something to him, but i'm pretty sure she hasn't since none of us have even seen him since before we went on the Maryland trip. My stepfather knows now, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. He hasn't said anything to me about it actually. And when confronted about it from my mother about him knowing via text message, he seemed to be laughing at how terrified I was about him finding out. I guess it's not as big of a deal as I thought it would be. Packing up and moving to Canada must not be the number one priority anymore.

I'm so hungry. I'm staying at my mother's tonight and there's nothing really to make here without making a lot of noise so i'm trying to stay away from the kitchen since it's right next to their open bedroom. I'm sure I could probably devour something the size of a cow right about now though. I'm going to eat a few snack crackers and take myself to bed. I've got to get up super early in the morning to run some errands with my mother to get myself a little more prepared for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond.

Gah, I miss Rojo. I'm sure he's probably curled up in my blankets at home right now wishing I was there to use me for my body heat. He's such a cutie. I'm off work for the next three days. Woohoo! Oh, but I also get to enjoy a nice long shift on black friday beginning at 4:45 in the freaking morning. FML.

Anyway, i'm off.

Looking Up.

Things seem a lot nicer now that I was able to speak with my mother about things that are going on. I don't feel quite as.. stuck in the situation I thought I would be forced into. If I can just apply for the necessary things that I will need help with in the next few months, I can move out from living with my sister to try and get a cheap little one-bedroom apartment on my own here without moving out to California. I already have a cradle and crib that's passed around in the family for all of my mother's grandchildren as they grow older that I can use. All I would really need to supply is the mattress and of course the other basics. But it's nice that I already have help with the BIG major things that i'll need right away. Now my main focus needs to be buying the baby clothes, bottles, burp cloths, and other things.

I'm very excited to start getting things now, but I should probably wait a little bit on some things before I find out the gender. I just want everything to be perfect and prepared for when he or she gets here.

Today, my back hurts more than it's ever hurt in my life. I went into work lastnight for a 7:30 to midnight shift and when I first went in, it wasn't hurting at all. By eleven, I was cringing. I was hoping sleep lastnight would help it go away a little bit but it feels just as bad as it did when I got off work. I wish I had some kind of muscle rub or something to help it. Today I go in from 2:30 to eleven. It's probably going to kill me. So far I have told roughly ten people I work with about it. But in a store that big, it practically amounts to nothing. Everyone seems to be extremely happy for me. In fact, I have some of the women up there wanting to exchange numbers with me now to keep in touch about everything.. as if I don't already see them almost every day haha! That store is practically my second home. Almost everyone in the family knows about the pregnancy now except my brother, his girlfriend, and my stepdad's family. My biological father in Florida found out on facebook and of course instead of questioning me, runs to my mother like i'm five years old and asks her if i'm joking. Really? It would be nice if I could be taken seriously as an adult for once in his eyes.

My feet are freezing. I talked to my ex-boyfriend that I was engaged to marry lastnight. It was nice to hear something from him. We were never able to just talk to eachother and be friends again after everything fell apart a year ago. He somehow discovered my pregnancy, and told me that it felt really strange to him because that was supposed to be us. But he felt like I would be a great mother. To hear that from him of all people, it really meant alot to me. He's supposed to be back in town in December before heading up to New York to visit his friends and family there and wants to meet up. I'm really looking forward to it. I think that him and I being best friends again; repairing a destroyed friendship that was great at one point will really help me to cope with alot of things going on right now.

I suppose I need to get up and get ready for work now. God, I feel like my back is broken. And all I keep hearing from women that have been pregnant before is "it's only going to get worse." Yes. Thinking about that is exactly what's going to get me through the day.