Turkey Day.

I was sitting on the couch talking to my mom this morning when I realized I haven't really blogged in awhile. To give a slight update on what's been going on, I went to the doctor for my first appointment on the 23rd. To my surprise, my insurance doesn't cover any kind of pregnancy-related stuff. I wasn't able to get my bloodwork done, however I was at least able to speak with someone and get alot of booklets and information from her. Once my other insurance kicks in, i'll be able to go back in to get my bloodwork done and also meet with one of the doctors they have there in December. I'll be getting my first ultrasound at about 20 weeks. On the upside, I will be able to see the gender by that point. So that will be a nice surprise.

The woman I spoke with estimated that my due date would be June 8th, making me 12 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. But until the ultrasound, I don't want to trust that guess too much. All I can think of now is how excited I am. I just hope that everything is okay. I received samples of prenatal vitamins while I was there and was finally able to really look at them yesterday. After being blown away by the size of them, I decided to search online to see if there was any smaller ones that they offered. I saw there was one brand in particular everyone seemed to like that sold smaller pills, and there was also an alternative I read for taking the larger ones. Some people suggested grinding them into powder and then mixing them into something like a banana smoothie. Sounds like an awesome idea to me. But unfortunately, I don't have a blender! So I think for now, i'm just going to look into purchasing the smaller pills.

A few new things i've been experiencing the past week and a half was having extreme lower back pains and feeling quite over-emotional when watching upsetting or amazing movies & shows on the television. It's quite pitiful honestly. I've never been one to cry watching something as simple as someone else crying over a tragic thing happening in their life. I feel like a big baby. And as far as the back pain goes, i've discovered that alot of the pain is coming from pressure on my sciatic nerve. Unfortunately, it could last all the way until I give birth. But on the upside, sitting down for awhile seems to relieve alot of the pain for awhile. It just seems to happen at random moments, really. But usually when i'm working for long periods of time. I haven't spoke with Chris in probably a week now. I don't know how California is treating him and I don't know if any more of his family knows yet. One thing I do know is i'm beginning to feel very alone in this situation. All I can keep reminding myself is if it comes down to it, my baby is all I need right now to keep it together.

Happy Thanksgiving. This is probably the first turkey day I will be able to really take advantage of with my new, big appetite. Everyone better be prepared for me to devour everything! I'm off to help my mom make the peanut butter pie now. Hopefully more updates soon..

3 Days of Freedom!

I figured I would type up a quick post before heading to bed. Lately i've been cherishing my sleep and crashing earlier than normal, but the last few days work and other distracting things have kept me up pretty late.

Chris arrived in California this morning. I suspect his mother still doesn't know about the pregnancy, unless of course his brother told her or he finally owned up to it and told her himself. I don't think i'm quite prepared to explain to Chris my still contemplative decision to stay in North Carolina. I might want to wait just a little longer for him to get settled in and see how our relationship towards eachother is then. It would be such a different situation if we were just head-over-heels in love with eachother. But unfortunately, that's not the case so it makes everything a little more complicated.

I get to see the baby for the first time in eight days. I am just ecstatic about it. I have the bloodwork appointment the day before, which freaks me out a little bit since i'm terrified of getting my blood taken but i'll have to just suck it up for the sake of getting to see my little one the next day. My brother still doesn't know, as far as I know. Unless of course my mother has said something to him, but i'm pretty sure she hasn't since none of us have even seen him since before we went on the Maryland trip. My stepfather knows now, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. He hasn't said anything to me about it actually. And when confronted about it from my mother about him knowing via text message, he seemed to be laughing at how terrified I was about him finding out. I guess it's not as big of a deal as I thought it would be. Packing up and moving to Canada must not be the number one priority anymore.

I'm so hungry. I'm staying at my mother's tonight and there's nothing really to make here without making a lot of noise so i'm trying to stay away from the kitchen since it's right next to their open bedroom. I'm sure I could probably devour something the size of a cow right about now though. I'm going to eat a few snack crackers and take myself to bed. I've got to get up super early in the morning to run some errands with my mother to get myself a little more prepared for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond.

Gah, I miss Rojo. I'm sure he's probably curled up in my blankets at home right now wishing I was there to use me for my body heat. He's such a cutie. I'm off work for the next three days. Woohoo! Oh, but I also get to enjoy a nice long shift on black friday beginning at 4:45 in the freaking morning. FML.

Anyway, i'm off.

Unresponsive.

Suddenly, i've never been more clueless in my life as to what I need to do. Every problem I am about to face, almost noone will understand nor know what to do in my situation. I saw Chris lastnight. He stayed over before he got on the road this morning to head back to Cali. There was nothing there.

We watched tv shows in bed before we finally fell asleep around 5 AM. But before we fell asleep, I tried to talk to him a little bit about the baby since this was the first time we had seen eachother in a little over a month. Almost anything I said, there was no response. I keep making excuses as to why he's unresponsive to most of my baby comments, blaming it on the fact that it was all so sudden and that he's probably just scared. He might be scared, but that's not all that's wrong. He held me lastnight as we fell asleep, and it felt great. Until this morning. We woke up at 8:30 and he said he needed to be on the road by 9. He remained in bed as I got up to let the dog out and change clothes. I sat down in bed next to him around 8:50 and he told me to lay down with him. We laid down for about fifteen more minutes before he got up to change clothes and get his stuff together. We talked a little bit before we left the bedroom, distant and awkwardly. And he finally asked me to walk him to the door for him to go. I walked him out to the truck, barefoot and cold. After a long time of keeping my thoughts to myself, I couldn't take it anymore.

I told him "I don't want to move to California. I'm not going to know anyone there except your family, and you don't even look at me the same as you used to. You're not even into me anymore." He insisted that if I didn't like his family or get along with them, there was always his brother's girlfriend I could talk to. It's nice to know that I have such a great big selection. But of course, no objection to not being into me anymore. Not at all. I said "I don't want to live with someone who's like a roommate to me, but yet has a child with me." He laughed a little at the truth of how awkward the situation really was, but he insisted that we should at least try it. I started crying, thinking about how much I felt like I was ruining my life. I feel like the waitress in the movie "Waitress" aside from all the abuse she had to put up with. I'm being thrown into a situation where I have no say in anything. I'm forced to move to California with the father of my child that doesn't even want me; just to have help in supporting my baby, i'm unable to name my baby the name i've wanted to name a boy [if it is] for years because he feels it's not a "white baby name," and I can't give birth to my child in the state where all of my family is. After I started crying, he hugged me and told me everything was going to work out and be okay. He said he just wanted to take things one step at a time and just move us to California first to see how things work out. Well, what happens if i'm miserable? Either way, i'm not getting anything that I want! Since when did I lose all rights to what happens to my life anymore? I'll be stuck living with a man who's completely uninterested in me and the only thing that we have in common enough to put up with eachother in a home is a child. That's a BROKEN home and I don't want that. I don't want to bring my child into that. I understand he wants to take things one step at a time and see where it goes, but moving myself all the way across the US to "try this" is a little extreme if you ask me. I feel like i'm going to be wasting my life with someone that's miserable with me when I could be happy with someone else who adores me and accepts that I already have a child.

Before he left, there was no romantic kiss. In fact, there wasn't a kiss the entire time he was here. Just a simple one on the forehead like I was some sort of child to him. It's never been like this before. It's never been so strange between us. And i'm stuck no matter what I want.

Now seems like the best time to officially say "I hate my life" and truly have a valid excuse.

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be my life. I will never regret having this baby. It will always be the best thing in my life and probably the only thing to keep me sane and happy, but I wish things could have gone differently. For now, this is my outlook on my life. And it probably won't change for awhile. Bluntly put, i'm fucked.