We watched tv shows in bed before we finally fell asleep around 5 AM. But before we fell asleep, I tried to talk to him a little bit about the baby since this was the first time we had seen eachother in a little over a month. Almost anything I said, there was no response. I keep making excuses as to why he's unresponsive to most of my baby comments, blaming it on the fact that it was all so sudden and that he's probably just scared. He might be scared, but that's not all that's wrong. He held me lastnight as we fell asleep, and it felt great. Until this morning. We woke up at 8:30 and he said he needed to be on the road by 9. He remained in bed as I got up to let the dog out and change clothes. I sat down in bed next to him around 8:50 and he told me to lay down with him. We laid down for about fifteen more minutes before he got up to change clothes and get his stuff together. We talked a little bit before we left the bedroom, distant and awkwardly. And he finally asked me to walk him to the door for him to go. I walked him out to the truck, barefoot and cold. After a long time of keeping my thoughts to myself, I couldn't take it anymore.
I told him "I don't want to move to California. I'm not going to know anyone there except your family, and you don't even look at me the same as you used to. You're not even into me anymore." He insisted that if I didn't like his family or get along with them, there was always his brother's girlfriend I could talk to. It's nice to know that I have such a great big selection. But of course, no objection to not being into me anymore. Not at all. I said "I don't want to live with someone who's like a roommate to me, but yet has a child with me." He laughed a little at the truth of how awkward the situation really was, but he insisted that we should at least try it. I started crying, thinking about how much I felt like I was ruining my life. I feel like the waitress in the movie "Waitress" aside from all the abuse she had to put up with. I'm being thrown into a situation where I have no say in anything. I'm forced to move to California with the father of my child that doesn't even want me; just to have help in supporting my baby, i'm unable to name my baby the name i've wanted to name a boy [if it is] for years because he feels it's not a "white baby name," and I can't give birth to my child in the state where all of my family is. After I started crying, he hugged me and told me everything was going to work out and be okay. He said he just wanted to take things one step at a time and just move us to California first to see how things work out. Well, what happens if i'm miserable? Either way, i'm not getting anything that I want! Since when did I lose all rights to what happens to my life anymore? I'll be stuck living with a man who's completely uninterested in me and the only thing that we have in common enough to put up with eachother in a home is a child. That's a BROKEN home and I don't want that. I don't want to bring my child into that. I understand he wants to take things one step at a time and see where it goes, but moving myself all the way across the US to "try this" is a little extreme if you ask me. I feel like i'm going to be wasting my life with someone that's miserable with me when I could be happy with someone else who adores me and accepts that I already have a child.
Before he left, there was no romantic kiss. In fact, there wasn't a kiss the entire time he was here. Just a simple one on the forehead like I was some sort of child to him. It's never been like this before. It's never been so strange between us. And i'm stuck no matter what I want.
Now seems like the best time to officially say "I hate my life" and truly have a valid excuse.
This isn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be my life. I will never regret having this baby. It will always be the best thing in my life and probably the only thing to keep me sane and happy, but I wish things could have gone differently. For now, this is my outlook on my life. And it probably won't change for awhile. Bluntly put, i'm fucked.
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