Unresponsive.

Suddenly, i've never been more clueless in my life as to what I need to do. Every problem I am about to face, almost noone will understand nor know what to do in my situation. I saw Chris lastnight. He stayed over before he got on the road this morning to head back to Cali. There was nothing there.

We watched tv shows in bed before we finally fell asleep around 5 AM. But before we fell asleep, I tried to talk to him a little bit about the baby since this was the first time we had seen eachother in a little over a month. Almost anything I said, there was no response. I keep making excuses as to why he's unresponsive to most of my baby comments, blaming it on the fact that it was all so sudden and that he's probably just scared. He might be scared, but that's not all that's wrong. He held me lastnight as we fell asleep, and it felt great. Until this morning. We woke up at 8:30 and he said he needed to be on the road by 9. He remained in bed as I got up to let the dog out and change clothes. I sat down in bed next to him around 8:50 and he told me to lay down with him. We laid down for about fifteen more minutes before he got up to change clothes and get his stuff together. We talked a little bit before we left the bedroom, distant and awkwardly. And he finally asked me to walk him to the door for him to go. I walked him out to the truck, barefoot and cold. After a long time of keeping my thoughts to myself, I couldn't take it anymore.

I told him "I don't want to move to California. I'm not going to know anyone there except your family, and you don't even look at me the same as you used to. You're not even into me anymore." He insisted that if I didn't like his family or get along with them, there was always his brother's girlfriend I could talk to. It's nice to know that I have such a great big selection. But of course, no objection to not being into me anymore. Not at all. I said "I don't want to live with someone who's like a roommate to me, but yet has a child with me." He laughed a little at the truth of how awkward the situation really was, but he insisted that we should at least try it. I started crying, thinking about how much I felt like I was ruining my life. I feel like the waitress in the movie "Waitress" aside from all the abuse she had to put up with. I'm being thrown into a situation where I have no say in anything. I'm forced to move to California with the father of my child that doesn't even want me; just to have help in supporting my baby, i'm unable to name my baby the name i've wanted to name a boy [if it is] for years because he feels it's not a "white baby name," and I can't give birth to my child in the state where all of my family is. After I started crying, he hugged me and told me everything was going to work out and be okay. He said he just wanted to take things one step at a time and just move us to California first to see how things work out. Well, what happens if i'm miserable? Either way, i'm not getting anything that I want! Since when did I lose all rights to what happens to my life anymore? I'll be stuck living with a man who's completely uninterested in me and the only thing that we have in common enough to put up with eachother in a home is a child. That's a BROKEN home and I don't want that. I don't want to bring my child into that. I understand he wants to take things one step at a time and see where it goes, but moving myself all the way across the US to "try this" is a little extreme if you ask me. I feel like i'm going to be wasting my life with someone that's miserable with me when I could be happy with someone else who adores me and accepts that I already have a child.

Before he left, there was no romantic kiss. In fact, there wasn't a kiss the entire time he was here. Just a simple one on the forehead like I was some sort of child to him. It's never been like this before. It's never been so strange between us. And i'm stuck no matter what I want.

Now seems like the best time to officially say "I hate my life" and truly have a valid excuse.

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be my life. I will never regret having this baby. It will always be the best thing in my life and probably the only thing to keep me sane and happy, but I wish things could have gone differently. For now, this is my outlook on my life. And it probably won't change for awhile. Bluntly put, i'm fucked.

Sleep Deprivation.

It's almost 4:40 AM as I begin to type this, and my sleep schedule tonight has been anything but consistent. I've been waking up constantly either to readjust myself or pee. I went to my appointment yesterday to take a more accurate pregnancy test and behold, the same results I had obtained just eight days ago. So far I have scheduled my first three official doctor's appointments on the 23rd for bloodwork (ick), the 24th for an ultrasound, and December 9th for a routine check-up. I am beyond ecstatic. I can't even put into words how I feel right now because it is indescribable. The woman I saw today explained to me that judging by the information I gave her, she thinks I am probably about 9 weeks pregnant and her estimated due date for me is June 13th. June sounds like a great month to have a baby, and it's only one month before my birthday. She said it's probably about the size of a peanut right now. That's incredibly small to effect my body so hard already. I mean, my stomach's already gotten bigger! On the upside, my nauseous feeling and dizzy spells rarely cause me to have morning sickness. Hopefully it stays that way. But I definitely seem to be screwing up my words alot lately, especially with typing. Two words become one and I suddenly feel like a moron. And I suppose I haven't really experienced much of the "emotional" dramatic changes of getting upset easily. My mother reassured me that having a fits of crying over the simplest things in life will definitely start occuring more often. Super. But I definitely feel like a slob. I mean really, i've never been more clumsy and currently my only purpose in life is to eat, sleep, and pee. Living the easy life of a dog never sounded so unappealing. I want to start baby shopping now! I suppose that's normal?

Chris is coming to see me tomorrow before he drives off to Cali for the next month to a few months without me. It's going to be hard, but we will definitely stay close in contact. And if all goes well, I will be taking a flight out there for us to move in together to start this little family. My oldest niece, Faith told me yesterday she was excited and hoped it was a girl. I asked her if it's a boy, will she love it the same? She said "yep." On one hand, i'd really like to have a boy because we have so many girls in the family that I have yet to actually watch a boy in our family be raised; aside from my brother who is only 4 years older than me. But at the same time, it would be really nice to experience having a baby girl. However, I will be extremely happy no matter what the gender is. It will just help me narrow down the names. :]

So far, i've already been thinking about some. For a girl I was thinking of the names Kayleigh, Hazel, Candace, Autumn, Annaliese and Emery. As far as a boy, Brayden and Levi. I just can't wait to see my baby and astound the world with this amazing life. I'm definitely interested to see the permanent color of his/her eyes considering dark blue rims around the pupil run in my family and icey blue eyes seem to also be abundant in his. One thing's for sure: it's going to be beautiful.

Egh, leaning over without my glasses on is beginning to make me feel a little woozy so I better take this to the bathroom and pick up something to munch on on the way back to the bedroom. My stomach is growling already. More updates coming soon. I'd like to start typing in this thing more often. Sunday will be my first day back to work after the family vacation to tell everybody about my new discovery: a baby in my stomach! ;]

Goodbye.

Edit: I almost forgot to post a recent picture! This probably doesn't look like much to you since i'm very small anyway, but I can already see a difference in the size of my stomach. Perhaps this means i'll get as big as a house? We'll have to see. Anyway, off to bed I go.

Ocean City, MD.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48719417@N07/sets/72157625231259125/with/5163699209/

Leaving Ocean City, MD to head back home in a couple hours. Here's my new flickr set with a few photos from the past few days of being here. There will be more to come when I get back!

PS: Doctor's pregnancy verifying appointment tomorrow evening at 6 PM.

Positive.

Yesterday, November fourth changed my life forever. I had an extremely early work shift beginning at 7 AM, not scheduled to get off until 3 PM. My first break was around 9 and after experiencing an odd week and a half of feeling like I was coming down with something, I decided to quit ignoring my mother and best friend's comments about possibly being pregnant. I bought a pregnancy test on my 15 minute break that morning because the thought kept driving me insane. So I did it, and I couldn't believe my eyes. Two lines side by side, left one slightly lighter than the other. A million things started rushing through my head while all I could say was a million four letter words. I'm sure everyone outside of the one-room bathroom was wondering what the hell was wrong with me. In my mind the entire rest of the day of work, all I could think was how long has this been going on? What am I going to tell people? I was fighting back tears and racing to the restroom every few hours in fear I was about to get sick the rest of the day. I confronted my mother on my one hour lunch and things are.. better. Today, it was the same exact work schedule. I didn't seem to be as frantic and sick as yesterday, but it probably also helped that I wasn't as stressed out as then either.

Tomorrow I am going on a planned family vacation to Maryland with my family for five days. When I return, i'm going to see a gynecologist with my mother to consult someone about what's going on. I still have some explaining to do to other people. I'm more scared about talking and sharing than living the rest of my life with this baby that's currently growing inside of me. I've never been more excited for anything in my entire life. After all, this is what i've always wanted. It just happened at the complete wrong time. But i'm going to suck it up and i'm going to do what I have to do. I refuse to let anyone's negative comments impact my life. So far the only thing that seems to be disagreeing with everything is perfumes and hot meats. But my god; fruit, salads and crackers has never been so good.

More posts to come of the vacation, photos, and updated information of my pregnancy.